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Job Security/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: If you go out in the woods today, you're in for a big surprise -- wa-a-a! -- 'cause you're gonna smack your face right into "the red green show"! Broadcasting live from the beautiful possum lodge. High up in the hinterlands is where we're coming from. You know, a small promotional fee has been paid by several companies in order that we do not mention their name. And now, here he is, the man who's mad about plaid, the king of canvas. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present a man who really needs no introduction whatsoever. Go ahead, uncle red, you don't need an introduction whatsoever. Oh. Oh, all right. Thank you, harold, for not mentioning my name. Thank you, and welcome to possum lodge. Harold here is my producer and director, which is a showbiz term meaning "nephew." and as my producer and director, harold's job is, uh... What is it you do again, harold? Oh, I do this. This is my job. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a, it's a living. Well, harold, you are a multitalented man. Well, actually, you're not a man yet, and "talented" seems a little strong. Harold, you're a multi. Big deal up at the lodge this week. We've had a theft. Our lodge treasurer, douglas -- he had his pants stolen. Not a pretty sight. It sounds like a crime of passion. Don't think so, harold. These were lime-green polyester jobs. Probably the work of one of them bad-taste posses. Now, I can make jokes, but, uh, douglas is pretty upset about it. These were his favorite pants. His mom gave them to him for his 20th birthday back in 1975. So, anyway, he contacted our head of security, noel, and then he put noel on the case. Our head of security is quite a case. He's so short that he's a briefcase. Wa-a-a-a! Thank you, harold. Anyway, noel is just using this as an excuse to get himself a whole bunch of surveillance equipment. Right now, he's about $5,000 over his level of comprehension. But idiots with equipment is something you see a lot of up here at the lodge. That was a cue, harold. Oh, right. Hey, noel, how come you got cameras stuffed up inside this stuffed animal? What's that, like robo smurf or something? No, that's for surveillance at daycare centers. Yeah, what is all this? Paranoids 'r' us having a sale? I'll have you know that douglas asked me to improve the security of the lodge, no matter of the cost. Okay, bill, the bunny is all wired in. Plug that in, if you would, and let's power up this system and see if we get any output. Harold, watch that tv monitor. See if you can see me. Okay. [ electricity buzzing ] nothing yet. I don't think it's supposed to do that. Noel! What did you spend $5,000 on?! Where is he?! Noel! Harold: Behind door number 2. Douglas, that hurt. That's nothing! What did you spend $5,000 on? Security system for the lodge. Got the deluxe model. What?! Why?! Well, you told me to. You know, last week when your polyester pants went missing. You said, "tighten up the security of the lodge," so, huh? I meant a few latches on the windows, a lock on the door. I didn't mean for you to turn this lodge into darth vader's death star! Now, I want you to return this stuff right now, mister, or I'll have your badge! Don't you threaten me. I know 150 ways to kill a man with a tuning fork. That does it! The only threat to security around this lodge is you! And bill. No offense, bill. Now, I'm invoking clause 333-g of the lodge charter. You can't -- I mean, that char-- red, what's he talking about? Oh, no, uh, I just run the lodge. I have no idea how it works. I'm replacing you as head of security and appointing an interim head of security pending an internal investigation. Neat, a coup d'etat. "I tawt I taw a coup d'etat." [ laughs ] from the kids'... I'm not giving up this job without a fight! You don't do anything without a fight. You brawl with your clothes every morning. Look at you! You're a disaster! This is a head of security? You look like a street performer! You know what a head of security looks like? Like this! Huh? This is our new head of security. No chance! No way. I-I'm too busy being head of maintenance. Helmut can't be head of security. That job requires brains. How would you like to have your requirement squeezed out your head? No offense, helmut. I'm just suggesting possibly y-you don't have the cunning or maybe you're not quite as quick as you could be. Noel, I'm beginning to understand why you need to learn how to defend yourself in a fight. I'll tell you that much. Well, I'll tell you, I'm not giving up this job. You can't have my badge! Badges?! We don't need no stinking badges! Helmut, raise your right hand. Uh, okay, your left one will do fine. Now, do you swear to uphold and enforce the possum lodge rules? Just fixed my ax. I take that as a yes. All right, I now officially proclaim you as the temporary head of security. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ if I had the wings of an angel ♪ ♪ angel ♪ ♪ none of my clothes would fit ♪ ♪ no, they won't ♪ ♪ so, instead, I'll have the wings of a chicken ♪ ♪ bwak! Bwak! ♪ ♪ with medium sauce and a large draft ♪ red: This week in the "handyman corner," we're gonna talk about making your very own fine, highly crafted furniture, which is something everybody wants to do. But then you build something, and it turns out to be a piece of crap you couldn't give away at a garage sale, whereas building a fine heirloom piece is something -- take a little extra time and is something that can be done within your grasp. I'm gonna show you how to do something like that here today. We're gonna take this canoe we have here, and we're gonna make it into a grandfather clock. Okay, now, the first thing we have to do is cut the end off here because you want to stand it up, and it's got to be flat, something flat to sit on. Now, you could cut it off a lot of different ways. You could use, I guess, a hacksaw on that, [ torch hissing ] or you could use tin snips, or you could use a circular saw. You could chew that off if you wanted to. You could just smash it off with a sledgehammer. Just keep pounding on it. You could back your van over it. Personally, for me, I prefer using an acetylene torch 'cause it just works so much faster. [ explosion, glass shatters ] that acetylene torch really does the job, doesn't it, huh? Now what we need to do is we need to bring this around, flatten these out a bit. So, it'll, uh... Flatten our base. That looks pretty good. Now we stand her up on our wooden base. Okay. Whoa. [ grunting ] okay. Now we'll just nail her into place here. Uh, stinky peterson said I could have just thrown some paint cans, piled them up in here, and the weight of them would have held it in place, but I don't know. That's not the way I like to do things. I'm more of a detail guy. Okay. Okeydokey. [ grunts ] now, you can fancy that up with trim or even do a bit of sanding, you know, depending on how valuable an heirloom you're trying to create. Okay, now, now we need the precision timepiece. What I do is I just snarfed the whole workings out of the clock in the kitchen at the lodge here. It's got its own little power pack on the back. And to mount that on, we use a universal clock-mounting device, which you can find in most closets. And that goes on like so. And then we just grab a little galvanized nail. We want this thing to last a long time. Make a little hole in the canoe, pop that in there, and then hang the clock right on there. 12:00 high, huh? Okay. Starting to take shape. Now what we need to do is to put in the chains and the weights and the pendulum and all that type of thing. Uh, but the mechanism is already on the clock, so these things are strictly cosmetic, which is a decorator term for "fake." so, we use these chains, and we need some pieces of doweling. Uh, but I don't have pieces of doweling, and I'm not interested in buying pieces of doweling. But I do have an old paddle here. Now, harold always tells me that gold is worth a lot more than silver, so I'm painting her gold. That should be about 18 karats' worth, huh? Now I'll just wait till it dries. [ sniffs, clears throat ] good enough. Okay. Now, we take this over, and I put a hook in behind the clock. So, we hang the chain from the hook. One man's meat is another man's, uh, hanging clock. Uh, there we go. Now what we need to do is to add some sort of a pendulum. What I've done is I took the anchor out of the fishing boat. I don't think it's gonna drift too far. The wind's not too bad today. Current gets up later on, but, oh, well. Now, we hang this -- hang this rig up in here, as well. And there we've got our whole phony-looking mechanism. Now, to really top it off here, uh, you can put some plastic wrap across it. Gives it kind of a leaded-glass look. Or you could just leave it open, but at this point, I'm not about to cheapen off. First class all the way. [ sighs ] and there you have it. Your very own beautiful grandfather clock. Little bit wrinkled, but then again, uh, so is grandfather. And if you don't like the aluminum look, you could cover that with a wood grain or simulated leather or whatever mack tack comes in. And you can also get some doorknobs to put on the points and the stuff sticking out. It's up to you, but I'll tell you one thing -- you've got a one-of-a-kind here. So, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ chime rings ] does that every hour, on the hour. So, that's the way they want to play it. Well, I'll go undercover. That's right. I'll spy on them. I'm not going quietly! [ hubcaps clattering ] "it is spring. "the river is raging. "our gill nets are strung across it. "we wind them in to examine our catch. "three canoes, four lawn chairs, "eight tool sheds, and a dock. "you can make money in this business if you know where to fish." well, I'll tell you, things around here have gone from bad to weird. Noel is skulking around, plotting revenge and saying that everybody is out to get him, you know, and they took his strawberries. And helmut has turned out to be a worse security guard than noel. Helmut never was easygoing, but now he's turned into jason's evil brother. Did you see the sign in the dining room, harold? I can only hope he's out at a job interview. Anyway, helmut put a sign up in the dining room. It says, "no shirt, no shoes, no consciousness." and he gave us a whole list of rules. Incredible -- stuff like "no picking your teeth with cutlery." since when did we get cutlery? There's a whole bunch of rules like that. And if you look past the spelling, you can see douglas' simple mind at work there. So, I think what I have to do is go down and have a word with helmut. So, harold, why don't you just get on with the show here? Harold? Oh, right, right. [ clears throat ] oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh. Did I do that? That was kind of neat. Helmut, it's me -- red. I wanted to talk to you about this lodge security business. Oh, douglas told me not to discuss lodge security with anybody. Did you know that anyone could just drive up here and walk into the lodge, even if they weren't members? Yeah, well, nobody ever does that, helmut -- not even members of our own families. You're right. My mom's never been here. Never even seen the place. You know she went through 28 hours of labor to give birth to me? No, I didn't know that. Yeah, 28 hours of screaming. Well, I'm not surprised. You're so big, the doctors probably had to make two trips. What do you think? Pretty handsome woman, eh? Uh, all right. Nice tattoo. You should see her in color, and someday you will. As soon as this place is clean and suitable for mom. And douglas. Yeah, helmut, about all these new rules, a lot of the guys think that you're really cramping our style here. Well, we have to make this place clean and suitable for our moms to come up and visit. Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't you love to have your mom up here? Maybe even your mother-in-law? Well, I'd spend a lot more time at home, that's for sure. Tell me something, helmut -- be honest here. Are you really enjoying this lodge security job? No, not really. I miss servicing my pump. I haven't filled her grease caps all day. And, you know, nobody wants to be the heavy. I don't want to be the heavy. I don't think anybody likes being the heavy. Well, how come you're going around making everybody's life so miserable, then? Well, douglas told me that if I fail as head of security at the lodge that I'd bring shame to my family and my mom, and I want my mom to be proud of me. Well, I don't want to come between you and your mother, helmut -- not without my pads on. [ film projector clicking ] red: Now, here's a clue to this week's "adventures with bill." a great big pile of rocks. Have you guessed it yet? Think about it. [ log creaking ] we got a doghouse and a ladder, and we got a kids' playpen and a garbage can. And what we're gonna do is, of course, build a catapult. Now, bill gets down there with the garbage can, and he's duct-taping that onto one end of the ladder. That's gonna be where he goes. And on the other end, I'm tying the kids' playpen. It's one of those old wooden ones. Unless you had a kid with a big head, he's probably gonna kill himself in that thing. I'm tying that onto the other end. So, bill's got that pretty well done there -- the handyman's secret weapon. Now he takes a little piece of rope and he ties this off. And this is basically gonna be the trigger of the catapult, because as long as it's tied around that heavy log that's rooted right into the forest there, that's not gonna go. So, he climbs into the garbage can, which seemed extremely appropriate to me, and I put the rocks in here. What's happening is the ladder is bending, bending way down, till eventually the whole playpen is sitting right on the ground with all the weight and the ladder is bent right around, almost double. So, there's a lot of spring in that thing, and a lot of tension is really pulling up on the rope. Now, all I got to do is I got to cut the rope. We had brought an ax along to cut the rope with. I don't know where the ax is. Oh. I'm not gonna ask. So, I cut the rope and let her go. Whoa! Oh! Bill! Bill! [ screams ] oh, my god! Bill! Bill! Right back into the can! And that launched the rocks up from the other end. [ rocks whistling ] I noticed the rocks a little bit before bill did. [ screams ] oh, by golly. Ooh! Oh! Oh, bill. [ groaning ] oh, bill. But he's all right. He's all right. Just take some of the rocks out of there. He seems okay. [ clears throat ] although, uh, he looks a little pale. pail [ sighs ] well, I'll tell you -- things around here have gone from worse to bratwurst. They got rules about where you can sit, where you can walk. You can't talk too loud. You can't whisper at anybody. As far as I'm concerned, everybody has been stripped totally of all of their rights, every last single one. I'm back, uncle red, and I'm ready to do my job. Oh, uh, hi, harold. Where's my ax? My ax is gone. Someone stole my ax! You're wearing it! You're wearing it! Is it okay?! What did you do? Don't break it, okay? It's fine, harold. Watch this. [ keyboard clacking ] see? No problem. Oh, you can do that now, too, can you? Well, I'm back, you know, your producer/director. Here to do my job. No, no, no, harold, harold, we've been getting along fine without you. Anyway, as I was saying, as far as I'm concerned, possum lodge has turned into orwell's "1984," marked down to $9.95. Mind you, the weather is real nice. We have to say that, even if there's a hurricane. Can I give you a hand with this? No, I'm fine. I'm fine, harold, really. I figure that there's gonna be a huge revolt at tonight's lodge meeting and probably gonna end up with people getting their jobs back. Everybody, you know, here? No, no, I figure just noel and helmut. [ screeching ] oh, oh, there's the call to meeting. So, how you been getting along without me? How you coping? It's good. Can I give you a hand with that? No, I'm fine. I don't mind helping with that. No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. Harold, harold, we got to go to the meeting, okay? We got to get brainwashed. Brainwashed?! Do you a world of good. [ screeching ] [ whimpers ] [ screeching continues ] [ indistinct conversations ] all rise. I-I-I'm sorry, red. I-I'm invoking the emergency clause of the lodge charter, which means I'll be running this meeting. Right, helmut? Right. Fine. [ clears throat ] all: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Did I say you may sit?! Yeah, you did -- right after "did I say." oh. All right. Okay. Well, let's not beat around the bush today, fellas. Our first order of business -- noel christmas, our former head of security, spent $5,000 of lodge money on a surveillance system which randomly explodes, showering us all with singed teddy-bear stuffing. [ cheers and applause ] way to go. Now, I feel very strongly that noel should pay for it and/or be expelled from the lodge. All those in favor? Now, hold on there, bucko. I think we've got a bigger issue than that to vote on. Now, I've collected an extensive list of complaints against helmut, lodge security. Some of them aren't even mine. So, I say we vote to return things back to the way they were. Yes. Yeah. Back to the way they were. I think that's a great idea. It is. It is so. That's including my job, too, yeah. I second that motion. You know, if I had a vote, I would do that, because I don't have a vote. [ all clamoring ] just a minute. Just a minute! Helmut, do something. Shut up! [ silence ] thank you. Now, there will be no vote, and there will be no discussion, and no one will leave this place until I get my pants back. They're lime-green polyester, and they're very difficult to replace. Try the rag bin at the car wash. Harold: Wa-a-a-a! Lime green, eh? I took those pants home. Douglas: What? Yeah, I thought they were ladies slacks, so I gave them to my mom. But they didn't really fit her until she let the crotch out on them, and now they look quite good. You gave my birthday pants to your mother? Oh, calm down. I can bring them back. I don't want them now that your mother has worn them. What's wrong with my mother? Harold: Ooh! Are you saying there's something wrong with my mother?! N-noel, protect me. In your dreams! Get up. Ooh! [ whimpers ] see that? All those in favor of reinstating me as head of lodge security, say "aye." aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Thank you very much. Oh, and all those in favor of reinstating red as leader of possum lodge, say "aye." aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Welcome back, red. Thank you, noel. And all those in favor of reinstating me as the special-effects technician on "the red green show," say "aye." [ jeering ] you can say it. You can say it out loud, if you want. All those in favor of reinstating me as head of lodge maintenance, say "aye." aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Thank god. I was really getting tired of playing the heavy. Well, since there's nobody left to reinstate, I call on douglas to supply the evening's entertainment. Douglas? [ meekly ] thank you, red. Man: Get on with it! Well, f-fellas, m-my topic for today is knowing your own limitations. Well, there you see it -- democracy in action. Well, I should say "noel in action." actions speak louder than words, and take a heck of a lot less horsepower. Anyway, douglas is not too happy, but the people have spoken, albeit rather incoherently. But we're all going back now to being free men, although you really are never truly free, are you? And speaking of which, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting tonight, and I'm really glad that our marriage is a democracy... Even if you do have nine votes. So, until next time, on behalf of myself and possibly harold and the rest of the gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ chuckles ] oh, did the mean man hurt you, my precious baby, huh? [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a!